Thursday, 19 April 2012

In a Black Hole with a Black Dog ....

It's been over three weeks since my last blog.  Naughty me.

The past two weeks have been school holidays here, and also the Easter break.    My sales plummeted to the point where I didn't even need to go to the post office everyday, and on the days I did, I was posting no more than a $6.00 sales.  That is very bad.   No only my sales, but my life is disappearing into a black hole.

At the moment I have $15 in my bank account, and my amount of money waiting to go from Paypal to the bank account won't even cover the postage costs that I have put on my credit card.

I'm going backwards.

It's very scary.   It's very demotivating, and I feel deflated and useless.   The Black Dog is beginning to circle me again.
I know the sales can get lower during the school holidays, but this is the worst they have ever been.

For the past 3 weeks I've been eating packaged frozen meals, which are much cheaper than *real* food - and drowning my sorrows in chips and my *ahem* grape juice.     So now my weight and my digestive system have suffered.    I haven't done any exercise for over a year, I haven't eaten any fruit for ages, and any vegetables I buy shrivel in the fridge before I get around to cooking them.     I can't seem to get myself out of this rut.

I haven't been to an op shop for 3 weeks - I don't have the money to buy petrol or afford any new stock items.  I have spent the time going through my piles of stock at home and getting them listed - so seeing the piles go down and my flat looking a little cleaner is a good feeling, even if I'm getting no buzz from shopping and no sales.

I don't even have any sales from the past 3 weeks worth mentioning on this blog - or anything new that I've picked up or learned.  I am a big fat empty space.

I'm finding every tiny little setback is affecting me more than usual.  I've been worried about my Dad's health, and ferrying him & my Mum around to various medical appointments.  He's 84 in a couple of months, and is seeming to age suddenly now.   We were worried he was getting dementia.    (Personally,  I'm not surprised - living with my mother would drive anybody insane).    But after the tests a couple of days ago it turned out to be just a lack of Vitamin B12.   The doctors were very pleased with his *ahem* insides, and said he had the stomach and bowels of a man 20 years younger. 

Now we just have to worry about whether he needs a hip replacement or not.    Tests for that next week.  

I wish I was like my Dad.   He does not stress.   He lets everything wash over him like water over a duck's back.   I am a worrier.   At the first sign of things not going well, my stomach instantly produces enough acid to eat through steel and my bowels turn to water.   I am sure my insides are not in such a fine state as my 83 year old Dad's.

I just don't know how to relax, and *chill out*  Maybe I should start smoking pot.
A couple of weeks ago my friend Sue brought over a couple of pictures for me to sell.

These should go for nice prices at auction.

The first is called "Nymph" by J H Lynch
Here are the completed's.

The second is called " Woodland Goddess " by J H Lynch

Here are the completeds for this one.
They are retro and more than a little garish and tacky and quite large at over 1 metre in height.   But hey, they have titties on them.  :-)
I have put off listing them until the slump on ebay finishes.  Even this week after the school holidays have ended the sales have been appalling - I guess everybody's $$$ are still recovering from the holidays.

Sue now rings me every week asking "how things are going on ebay."   I told her I wouldn't put them up until after the holidays.    Now, because they will be Pickup Only, I want to list them so they finish around lunch on a Saturday.  I don't want them finishing on a weekday, because people will want to visit my house at night.  No way Jose!!   So I won't be listing them until this Saturday.

She rang 3 times in last few days and left messages.  One time I was out, one time I'd just sat down to eat my tea, and the 3rd time I was in the bath.   I didn't answer the phone.   It's beginning to stress me out.     I hate my home phone - I hate the sound of it ringing.   I don't like phones, and won't ring somebody unless I REALLY have to.   I guess it's just the way my brain is wired - or just the fact that I'm an anti-social old bag.

I need to get a life.  I haven't gone out in over 2 years.  I've lost interest in all the hobbies I used to have, except reading books.   I haven't seen a movie in 3 years.  But the sad part is, I don't want to go out amongst people.  I'm content on my own.  Yet still I feel empty and hollow and lonely.  I wake at 3am and start worrying over things I can't control : my aging parents, thoughts of me dying alone on the kitchen floor because nobody cares, thoughts of spending the rest of my life alone.

I'm a 64 year old invalid living in a 44 year old's body .  

My next book to read will be "How to not Sweat the Small Stuff", but I fear my inner cynic will just sneer at the words of wisdom.

With any luck by next week, I will be out of the doldrums, and not such a sad sack.  Until then, I had to check in and let you know I'm still alive, and barely kicking.

Until then the Black Dog is howling for a feed ......


  1. I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now.Keep baby stepping and eventually you'll get to the end of the tunnel.You're not alone.Wishing you many Ebay sales to help you see some light.

    1. Spymay, thanks for your kind words. I'm feeling better today. It was my one very black day for the month. Even my sales picked up in the evening. :-)

  2. I don't know you in real life but this post made me really sad. I hope things start to get better for you. I don't care much for people either and can barely stand being around my husband but that is because he is an a##. I hope your dad doesn't need his hip replaced. My hubby has had both hips replaced and knee surgery. It's truly a miracle I don't smother him in his sleep.

    1. Becky, thanks for your kind message. I'm feeling better today, so blogging about it helped.

      Wow, your husband has had both hips and a knee replaced? He should be the bionic man. LOL. You made me laugh when you said you wanted to smother him. I did with mine too, which is why I'm glad he is now my ex-husband. You should read the book "How To Kill Your Husband" by Kathy Lette.

      I forgot to congratulate you on the new addition to your family. ;-)

    2. ha Ill have to see if that book is available on kindle... yes both hips replaced and a knee. and the first hip replacement was recalled so he needs to go back and get that taken care of. He also has problems with his shoulders. He has some genetic disorder I can't remember the name of.

  3. You sound like you're in a bad place right now. I hope it gets better for you. I related to some things in your post like not liking your phone, wanting to be alone, etc. These are all characteristics of being an introvert and are quite natural. There are so many extroverts around us that sometimes we feel like there's something wrong with us. Not so. I just read an excellent book called "The Introvert Advantage" by Laney which taught me some valuable things about myself.

    1. Dherself, thanks for your kind words. They are much appreciated. I'm definitely an introvert !! I've put the book you recommended on my reading list. My library doesn't have it, but they have one called "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World that Can't Stop Talking" by Susan Cain. Hope you are having a great week.

  4. Karina, this post made me sad, too. I can relate to your feelings about not wanting to be amongst people as I feel the same way. 75% of the time I prefer my own company and I function better with long stretches of solitude. There is, however, the other 25% of time where I feel it would be nice to have contact with people. I am trying to find a part-time job that could fulfill some social put a few bucks in my pocket. Like you, I sell online, and you know that working from home can feel very isolating at times. I am trying to find a balance. I hope you find are so young! Only 44! I agree with @dherself re: the introvert characteristics...but I have read that isolating oneself can be a symptom of depression. Plus, the lack of fresh fruit/vegetables in the diet can have severe effect on the mind and the bodies energy level. I am guilty--and going through a similar phase--of not taking proper care of what I eat...and it really zaps my energy! I hope that the process of writing your thoughts and posting to your blog helped you. I think you are a highly intelligent person with a keen wit--and I miss your clever & funny comments on the ebug underground! You are in my thoughts and I hope things brighten up for you soon!!

    1. Miss Maggie, thanks for your kind message. You know, writing the blog did help - getting it all out was a release I needed. I feel better today, and I slept well last night. I bought some fruit today, and am trying to set myself a small goal of eating one kiwifruit a day. It's a small step, but one in the right direction. :-)

  5. Karina, I just read a very good review of "Quiet" and had also requested it at my library. Glad that your spirits are perkier today!

  6. I'm enjoying reading through your archives, hope things get better, I find it helps to try do one little thing then add another, eat something green, then take a walk, clean a surface off, etc, a cinch by the inch